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Stay slinky
and don’t forget a canoe
By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖
Saturday, Jan 16, 2010, Page 8
I think all of their recent election success must have gone to the collective
heads of the Democratic Progressive Party’s (DPP) election selection committee.
Either that, or we are seeing symptoms of early-onset Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease
following the party’s pre-Christmas bash at a Taipei Korean barbecue restaurant
(which, my sources tell me, is not a member of Mayor Hau Lung-bin’s [郝龍斌] US
beef embargo club).
The retaking of Yilan County in December and the shock of winning its first-ever
legislative seat in Taitung last week must have got the DPP believing it is
unbeatable on the east coast.
I mean, what else can possibly explain the decision to choose cosmopolitan,
multilingual, feline-loving, former Taipei-based legislator Hsiao Bi-khim (蕭美琴)
as the party’s candidate for next month’s legislative by-election in Hualien?
No disrespect to the good people of Hualien, but I hardly think Hsiao is the
type of politician that appeals to voters down there.
For a start, it is highly doubtful that Hsiao ever seriously traveled through
Taiwan’s bluer-than-blue redneck hinterland before her trip there to register
for the election earlier this week.
Putting Hsiao on the Hualien ticket is a bit like inviting neocon high priestess
Sarah Palin to be the keynote speaker at the annual dinner of the California
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Pro-Gun Control Anti-Death Penalty Stop
Climate Change Society.
It just doesn’t make sense.
Did the DPP not notice the fate of former minister of health Yeh Ching-chuan
(葉金川), who suffered an embarrassing loss in the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT)
county commissioner primary in August — even after being hand-picked by Prez
Marky Mark Ma (馬英九)? All this, despite Yeh having the backing of the party’s
senior figures and once buying some mochi (麻糬) outside Hualien Railway Station.
Yeh found out the hard way — in true Deliverance style — that Hualien natives
“don’t take kindly to outsiders.” He ended his campaign by scuttling back to
Taipei with his tail between his legs faster than you can say “Taroko Gorge.”
What was it that turned Hualien’s voters against Yeh? Maybe it was his pathetic
attempts to defend himself when caught cold by a pan-green warrioress after a
night out schmoozing in Geneva during a meeting of the World Health Assembly.
From the footage it was obvious that Yeh can’t handle his drink — and that just
doesn’t cut the mustard with folks on the east coast.
Anyway, back to Hsiao. The only explanation I can come up with for her being
tasked with this “mission impossible” is that either she really pissed off
someone important over at DPP Central or else she is taking one for the team a
la Wanky Franky Hsieh (謝長廷) in Taipei City in 2006.
After years of watching local politics I would say Hsiao stands about as much
chance of winning as seeing newly crowned economic cooperation framework
agreement (ECFA) cheerleader and former heavyweight mobster Yen Ching-piao (顏清標)
take part in this year’s Matsu parade wearing a mankini.
Still, out of pure respect for her bravado (and because I think she’s hot, but
don’t tell my gal Cathy), I have wracked my brains to come up with five tips
that could help Hsiao survive the six short weeks before the election on Feb.
27. Hell, they may even help her win a few more votes.
1. Don’t sell your Taipei apartment
Upon quitting his cushy ministerial job in August to take part in the KMT
primary, Yeh famously boasted to reporters that he had already bought an
apartment, a farmhouse and (rather bizarrely) a canoe. But as we know, his
well-publicized forays into the local real estate and water sports equipment
market did him no good.
So if you’re reading this, Bi-khim, don’t hedge your bets and make too many
commitments to the constituency until after polling day. Rent a cheap place near
the train station (pay only one month in advance) where scooters can be rented
nearby for around NT$350 a day, if you barter, and most definitely don’t take up
the local gym’s offer of a discounted annual membership.
2. Get a crash helmet for your cat
As an animal lover, Hsiao reportedly plans to take her cat with her to Hualien
as she doesn’t trust DPP Chairperson Tsai Ing-wen (蔡英文) to look after it. So,
with the prospect of several weeks of shuttling between Taipei and Hualien along
the ever-dangerous Suhua Highway, I recommend Hsiao invest in some safety
equipment for her beloved pussy.
3. Stick to tested campaign tactics
Back in 2006, ahead of the Taipei City councilor elections, Hsiao created a bit
of a stir in Taipei (well, with me anyway) when she and two of her prodigies,
Hsu Shu-hua (許淑華) and Wu Ssu-yao (吳思瑤), posed in slinky black outfits for a
Charlie’s Angels-style campaign poster. This tactic obviously struck a chord
with certain sections of the electorate (I used Cathy’s card and voted for both
of them) as both Hsu and Wu were duly elected.
So, Bi-khim, dig that slinky number out of the wardrobe. Hualien being Hualien,
however, you may be required to make the neckline a little lower this time
around. Don’t let the current cold snap diminish your resolve to charm as many
of the locals as possible.
4. Choose election colors wisely
Newly crowned Hualien County Commissioner Fu Kun-chi (傅崑萁) was kicked out of the
KMT before going on to win last month’s election, but that didn’t stop him from
campaigning in an embroidered waistcoat that looked suspiciously like it was KMT-issue.
His KMT-approved rival Du Li-hua (杜麗華), on the other hand, had campaign posters
in a variety of girly colors (pink and light green) and even wore some
multicolored Aboriginal-themed waistcoats. These obviously got the locals
thinking she was the DPP candidate, hence her resounding defeat.
In other words, try to look as much like a KMT candidate as possible. Just don’t
go the whole hog and start handing out wads of cash to people as you canvass the
local market for votes. Hualien does have prosecutors.
5. Get a canoe
This is about the only thing that I would recommend Hsiao copy from Yeh’s
disastrous campaign, but don’t bring your own thermoplastic molded US model
bought from Costco like Yeh did. Instead, commission a local Truku tribesman to
fashion one out of Typhoon Morakot driftwood.
That way you’ll be doing your bit for the local economy while endearing yourself
to the local Aborigines at the same time. That’s a “win-win” situation.
Better still, get a local stonemason to make one out of Hualien’s best marble,
as this would be the ultimate symbol of your tilt for office.
Of course, if Hsiao does pull off a miracle and win, I’ll be the one left with
egg on my face. That’s why this column will self-destruct in five seconds.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com,
but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and
brickbats as spam.
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